The Portmanteau Rule
by Satine89
Summary: Sheldon has kindly invited his cousin Emile to stay at his apartment during a business trip. He doesn't see a problem with it. She's only Leonard's ex-girlfriend, determined to ruin his life. T for language and sexual content.
1. The Awkwardness Theorem

The Awkwardness Theorem

_**The Awkwardness Theorem**_

"Sheldon, do you really think that I'll get that many people at my presentation?"

Sheldon sat crouched in front of his sleek black laptop, watching the vaguely distorted image of a barely-out-of-her-teenaged-years with blonde hair tied into messy braids stare, concerned, right at him. Webcam technology on Sheldon's side was a lot better than on the girl's, so there was obviously some issues with grain, visible on the LCD screen Sheldon had engineered himself.

The light flickered. Sheldon smirked – Chinese hackers were so humorous!

"What are you looking at?" the girl asked, her hazelnut eyes growing hard.

Sheldon looked back at her. "The light. Some Chinese hackers have been turning them on and off to entertain themselves for the last few months. You understand, right, Emile?"

The girl shrugged, looking at a chart in her hands. "Yeah, I get it, you're just as nerdy as ever. Tinkering with electronics when there's so much to be done in the field of genetics…"

"I do not _tinker, _Emile," Sheldon corrected hotly. "I am a physicist. I experiment."

"So do I. But unlike _you_, my experimentation has revealed the truth behind Anna Anderson's true genealogy, not a fourth form of matter that cannot be obtained in nature without an acetylene blowtorch," Emile said quickly, her voice containing the same amount of heat that Sheldon's did.

"You're still coming down on Saturday?" Sheldon inquired sternly.

"We can resume the debate then, Sheldon," Emile nodded, a coy smile erupting on her face, like a cat cornering a helpless, hapless mouse. "I need to go check on the mitochondrial DNA samples from Anna Anderson. See you at the airport."

"Bye," Sheldon nodded before terminating the web link and leaning back on the couch, rolling his eyes towards the ceiling.

His cousin Emile. What a piece of work. The only other intelligent member of his family, far as he knew, was a molecular geneticist and microbiologist who thought the world revolved around the germs in the dirt just waiting to be cultured and studied. Needless to say, after getting her degree, Sheldon's cousin didn't have much of a life outside of making cultures and transferring supernatant between test tubes. Sheldon himself was a bit taken aback when she found him online and remembered who he was. She said he'd changed; he said she hadn't. She still looked like she was seventeen, despite being twenty-four; her hair was still blonde, if a bit longer; and her eyes were still cold as ice, as they'd been since the last time he saw her.

Sheldon leaned back on his couch, sighing loudly. It was at that moment Leonard, carrying the world's largest bag of groceries, entered the apartment, glasses askew.

"Mind helping me?" Leonard asked.

"Sure," Sheldon replied. He walked over and adjusted Leonard's glasses. "There. You're symmetrical now."

Leonard scowled, walking over to the kitchen and placing the groceries on the kitchen counter. He ran his fingers through his curly brown hair, staring down at an onion.

"Sheldon, could you help me with this, please?"

Sheldon looked to the ceiling. "Of course. You don't know how to organize the food, anyway."

Leonard picked up the onion and put it in a vegetable crisper. He bit his lip.

"Sheldon?"

"Mmm-hmm?"

"Is your cousin still coming?"

"Yes she is."

Sheldon put a box of Mini-Wheats on top of the fridge, behind the High Fiber-Os. Leonard stopped moving before laughing nervously.

"…Which cousin would this be?" Leonard asked, picking up a bag of carrots.

"Emile," Sheldon answered.

Leonard dropped the bag of carrots. "Emile Portmanteau?"

"Yes." Sheldon put some Lucky Charms on the low end of the fiber scale, not bothering to look at his roommate. "She's the only intelligent member of my family, after all. She's in town for a presentation, and asked if she could stop by."

"She's my ex-girlfriend."

Sheldon shrugged. "As we both know, my expertise does not lie in interpersonal relationships. I can't get you two back together, unfortunately. She has a career to think about, and you'd be much happier thinking about Penny for the rest of your life."

Leonard threw the carrots into the vegetable crisper. "Sheldon, how could you?"

"Easy, she called me and I –"

"How could you forget she's my ex?!" Leonard yelled. He slumped over on the small island in the kitchen, glasses going askew again. "She threw a hairdryer at me when we broke up. A-HAIR-DRYER. AND she burned me with your particle accelerator, and AFTER THAT she tried to give me E. coli poisoning."

"Oh right. I remember that now. Half of your salary that month went to scar removal cream," Sheldon recalled with an odd sort of fondness. Leonard wasn't amused in the slightest. He put a few cups of instant ramen in a cupboard, glaring at Sheldon every few seconds. A strained silence fell over the two.

Leonard grabbed at a jug of milk before sighing. "It's been six or seven years. She probably won't even remember me."

"Doubt it," Sheldon countered. Leonard's eye twitched, his hand holding the milk's handle in a death grip.

"When is she coming?"

"Saturday."

"That's in two days!" Leonard cried.

"Oh, and she's staying here," Sheldon added as an afterthought. He folded up the brown grocery bag, sticking it near the fridge. Leonard watched him as he sat down on the couch and turned on the Xbox.

"How?" Leonard asked, barely able to disguise his anger.

"She said she was fine with staying in the living room," Sheldon answered.

Leonard sank down on the sofa next to Sheldon, eyes wide with fear.

"I'm going to start writing my will," Leonard said, his voice hollow and mechanical.

"Stop being such a pessimist." Sheldon started up Halo 3. "She won't kill you for at least another week."

A/N: Thus begins the twisted escapade known as 'The Portmanteau Rule'. This story is basically an experiment for me – I'm known in other fandoms for my realistic OCs, but what happens when you create a character for a fandom where some of the Mary-Sue giveaway traits (i.e., intimate knowledge of things understood by the main characters, relation/knowledge of the main characters' existence) have to be utilized? Emile was born out of that. Hopefully, when you actually meet her, you will enjoy reading about her. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

A/N 2: All of the chapter titles have something to do with a random thing in the chapter. So, in this case, 'The Awkwardness Theorem' refers to Leonard's feelings about seeing Emile again. Some of the chapter titles will be a lot more obvious than that – there's one chapter set in an airport called 'The Airport Doctrine'.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Big Bang Theory.


	2. The ExGirlfriend Laws

The Ex-Girlfriend Laws

_**The Ex-Girlfriend Laws**_

"Your ex-girlfriend?"

Penny brushed some blonde hair out of her face as she unlocked her apartment door, unsure of how to take this news. After all, she and Leonard had been going steady for about a month, and he'd never mentioned this Emile Portmanteau girl before.

"Sheldon is such a moron," Leonard griped as he cradled Penny's groceries in one arm. Hers were much lighter than his. He couldn't figure out why.

Penny opened the door, trying to keep a surge of jealousy down. "Why is she coming?"

"She has a presentation to give, apparently," Leonard said, putting Penny's groceries on her brightly colored couch. "I'm going to kill Sheldon."

"…What's she like?" Penny asked, curiosity getting the better of her. She looked at herself in a nearby mirror. What if Emile was like her – thin and pretty? What if Leonard liked Penny because she reminded him of Emile?

"She's a stark, raving lunatic," Leonard groused. He began to put Penny's energy bars into a cabinet in her kitchen, avoiding the various bartending accoutrements Penny left around after work.

Penny's eyes widened. "You didn't break up on good terms?"

"She tried to poison, burn, and crush me."

"At the same time?"

Leonard shook his head. "But all in the same day."

Penny inhaled sharply before narrowing her eyes. "So Sheldon really is an idiot. I thought he was just insensitive."

"Sheldon forgot that we'd even gone out," Leonard said coldly.

"Score one for idiot." Penny turned on her television, setting it to a music channel before going to water her plants. She put her hand in the pocket of her jean skirt, looking for the key for the cabinet that held the watering can, sighing all the while.

"She's arriving tomorrow?" Penny asked.

"Indeed."

"Maybe I could come with you two when you go to pick her up," Penny offered.

"So she can kill both of us? Yeah, no thanks, Penny," Leonard snapped before realizing what he'd just done. Burying his face in his hands, he muttered, "I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do… I never wanted to see her ever again, and now she's going to be staying in our apartment for two weeks…"

"She could stay in my apart –"

"So she can murder you while you sleep?"

"Honestly, Leonard, I don't think she's Annie Wilkes."

"…Who?"

Penny stared into space, retrieving her watering can. "…Leonard, maybe… maybe she's changed. How long has it been since you've seen her?"

"Six years," Leonard responded automatically.

"So you would've been about eighteen?"

"Yes. And she was about the same…"

"Well then!" Penny clapped her hands together. "She's probably changed quite a bit. You shouldn't worry so much."

Leonard couldn't help but believe Penny. Her voice was so syrupy, so reassuring, that Leonard never distrusted a word she said.

"…Maybe you're right."

-o-

"There's going to be a girl in your apartment?" Howard asked, nearly choking on some juice.

Leonard had the good fortune of walking back into his apartment just as Howard, his favorite perverted engineer, said those words. And he nearly throttled him.

"She's a demon from Hell!" Leonard screamed as he walked into the doorway. Sheldon and Howard jumped a few feet in the air, while Raj, their Indian companion, slopped some cola down his front.

"Hello to you too," Raj muttered, walking to the bathroom.

Sheldon, still playing Halo, paused the game to look at Leonard. "Leonard, she is not from Hell. I was there when she was born."

"You were one!" Leonard protested.

Howard put up his hands to shut the two of them up. Howard, like Leonard and Sheldon, was definitely not a textbook example of good-looking, what with his Beatles-esque haircut, lanky frame, and rather large nose. But Howard was a pervert, so he had that going for him.

"What's so bad about a girl being in your apartment?" Howard asked. "I mean, it's a girl."

Raj rolled his eyes as he re-entered the room. "And why are you talking like this woman eats the heads of men or something?"

"She's my ex-girlfriend," Leonard said, thoroughly tired of explaining this to everyone on earth.

"Can I have her?" Howard inquired.

"Wolowitz…"

Sheldon restarted the game and chose to ignore everyone else in the room.

"Ex-girlfriend?" Raj questioned. "I thought your only ex-girlfriend was the one who defected to the Communists."

"There was another one," Leonard admitted as he sat down next to Howard on the couch. "When I was eighteen, I dated Sheldon's cousin for a few months. She used to live down here. But then things went bad, and we broke up, and she threw things, and tried to poison me, and tried to light me on fire."

Howard bit his lip. "And… how old was she?"

"Seventeen."

"And why is she visiting?"

"She's got proof that Anna Anderson was related to the royal family of Russia," Sheldon answered for Leonard, not tearing his eyes away from the exploding frag grenades onscreen.

Raj took a giant swig of coke. "Really? How?"

"She's a geneticist and a microbiologist," Sheldon responded.

Howard glanced over at Leonard. "Was she a -?"

"She tried to poison me with E. coli."

"Ah." Howard smiled awkwardly, electing to watch Sheldon play video games for a few seconds. "I think I'd like to meet her."

"Oh yes, she sounds like a fantastic person," Raj said sarcastically. He put his coke on the table, twirling it around in circles with his finger. "I mean, who wouldn't want to meet a psychopath who poisons her ex-boyfriends with deadly bacteria?"

"It could've been worse," Howard offered.

"Yeah. Could've been Ebola," Leonard said. "But maybe Penny's right. Maybe she's changed since then."

Howard rested his chin on his hands. "Either way, I'd love to know what you did to get her so pissed off."

A/N: Short little chapter, I know. I've gotten 80 hits, so I'm hoping that 80 people are looking forward to reading this. Either that, or 4 people read the first chapter 20 times apiece. Either way, thank you for reading.

A/N 2: For those of you who don't know: Annie Wilkes is the psychopathic fan from Steven King's Misery, while Ebola is a virus that kills 90 of the people who contract it.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Big Bang Theory. Wish I did, but that would make me Chuck Lorre, and I'm pretty sure Chuck Lorre doesn't write fanfiction.


	3. The Airport Doctrine

The Airport Doctrine

_**The Airport Doctrine**_

That Saturday, Leonard and Sheldon sat waiting at LAX, taking in the myriad of people leaving, coming, going, checking in, checking out, getting scanned…

"This place is a lot busier than the last time I was here," Leonard admitted.

"When was that?" Sheldon asked.

"When I was six."

"That explains that."

Leonard didn't have the energy to glare at him. He was dreading this. Oh, how he had been dreading this. Things were mixing together in his head in unsavory ways – Penny telling him she'd probably changed, Howard wanting to meet her, Sheldon not caring, the seventeen year old Emile Portmanteau scraping a Petri dish into his food…

"Leonard!"

Leonard jerked his head upward. "What?!"

"They just called Emile's flight."

Leonard and Sheldon stood up, looking towards the exiting doors. Floods of people intermingled, obscuring the field of vision from all directions. Leonard had the odd feeling that he was being swallowed. Colors were attacking him from all sides, and people were just flooding the place, teeming masses of life, destroying the delicate mental balance Leonard had created for himself –

"If it isn't Mister Physicist!"

Leonard looked up and gasped.

Emile hadn't changed very much. She'd grown a few inches, but otherwise, all of her defining physical features were the same. Her blonde hair was pulled into two pigtails, while her wire-rimmed glasses were still jammed up the bridge of her freckled nose. And her fashion sense, dear God, that hadn't changed at all. All manner of layered clothing sat on her tiny frame – a tank top below a tube top below a long-sleeved overcoat below a poncho, with striped leggings underneath a pleated skirt. Yep, that was definitely Emile.

"Honestly, Emile, when will you get over this petty hostility towards my chosen field?"

"When you choose another field. Who's that?"

Emile nodded to Leonard, who froze and paled considerably.

"…My roommate Leonard Hofstader."

Emile narrowed her eyes and walked over to Leonard, eyeing him. She was in a state of disbelief, Leonard could tell.

"Leonard?" Emile echoed.

Leonard's head began to pound.

"…Hello, Emile," he said, his voice squeaking.

Emile cocked her head before letting out a loud, pitiless laugh. "What was THAT?"

Leonard blinked. "What was what?"

"Your voice squeaked!" Emile said rather loudly.

"And?"

"You're afraid, aren't you? Afraid that I'm going to kill you in your sleep?" Emile questioned.

"Actually, you aren't that far off, actually…" Leonard petered off.

Emile gave him a grin. Leonard shivered; he'd seen that grin before. It was accompanied with the words "Boy, you're gonna wish you hadn't." It was the grin of the demon from Hell.

"I wouldn't do that. I've matured a bit, Leonard. Nice to see you haven't."

Emile walked away from him, large carry-on bag slung over her shoulder. Leonard could only stare at her backside, floored by her… her…

"She's exactly like you," Leonard said in a dazed tone.

"We have similar genetics," Sheldon shrugged.

"I'm going to die. I'm going to die."

Leonard followed Emile rather woodenly, his face bright red. Dealing with a girl whose temper could level buildings seemed like a piece of cake at this point. Dealing with a girl who had grown into a female model of Sheldon, however, seemed harder than beating all the levels of Pac-Man with one quarter.

-o-

Penny had decided to wait outside Leonard and Sheldon's door that Saturday, partly to keep Howard away from the incoming guest, partly to see how Leonard was reacting to the arrival of his ex-girlfriend.

Penny didn't have to wait long.

"And I am telling you, there are so many things to be learned from the skeletons of the dead – cures for disease, ways to improve body functions, health-care advances, the list goes on and on! Why would anyone waste their time thinking of the stars and states of matter that will have no practical use?"

"When we destroy the earth through global warming – your hairspray is contributing to that, thanks – new states of matter may be the objects that save us."

"Hah! As if."

Emile and Sheldon walked up the stairs, growing silent. Emile looked up as Sheldon nodded to Penny, who nodded back.

"…Who are you?" Emile asked rather roughly.

"I'm Penny. Leonard's girlfriend."

Emile turned around. Leonard was walking up the stairs, the fear of God emanating from his frame. Penny bit her lip while Emile rolled her eyes at him.

"Why would you want a sack like him?" Emile wondered in an undertone.

"What?" Penny asked.

"Oh… nothing." Emile walked into the apartment, leaving Leonard and Penny outside.

"She's changed all right," Leonard told Penny in a shaken voice. "She's become the evil version of Sheldon."

"Oh my God," Penny said. "So that -?"

"That's Emile Portmanteau, yes," Leonard interrupted. "And she's inherited Sheldon's ability to be completely insufferable. Combined with her temper…"

"What attracted you to her in the first place?" Penny couldn't help but wonder.

"…She didn't used to be like this."

The two grew quiet.

-o-

Emile let out a huge sigh as soon as Sheldon closed the door.

"You're very good at acting," Sheldon told her. Emile sank into the couch, adjusting her glasses.

"I… I can't believe I just did that. He must think I'm…" Emile cut off. "…I didn't expect to see him."

"I'm aware of that."

Emile looked down at her blue shoes, her reflection staring at her from the shining plastic. "It was all I could do to keep myself from ignoring him completely."

Sheldon shrugged. "I'm sure Leonard will mope around for a while, but I wouldn't think too much of it."

Emile sighed, looking into her hands. "His girlfriend is pretty."

"Penny? I suppose she is, but I wouldn't call her an ideal girlfriend. Unless you enjoy having a partner with no intellectual strength of her own and a vicious sarcastic streak, that is," Sheldon groused, pouring himself some water.

"…That was horrible of me," Emile said. She put her hands in her lap and stared into space. "What a great way to start this vacation."

A/N: And here is Emile. Her character gets even stranger, so don't worry. I want to point out that I learned the word 'groused' from an episode of 'How I Met Your Mother'. That was a really random non-sequitir, but I wanted to share.

A/N 2: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far! Now that the OC is actually present in the story, things might get more interesting for a lot of readers. And as for the plot to come, well… let's just say Emile causes trouble.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Big Bang Theory. I never have, and I never will.


	4. The Schizophrenia Corollary

The Schizophrenia Corollary

_**The Schizophrenia Corollary**_

Emile stuck her fork into a box of chow mien, happily indulging in the Chinese take-out. Leonard watched her eat, himself spearing a piece of beef in a marinade of sweet-and-sour sauce. Sheldon ignored both of them, trying to figure out if his orange chicken did, in fact, taste like oranges.

Penny eyed Emile curiously. She was acting mellower than she had earlier, and hadn't directed any insults at Leonard at all. But then again, Penny realized as she ate some rice, she hadn't spoken to Leonard. Even if Emile had changed, she was still sour.

At least Emile looked nothing like the kind of girl Penny feared she'd be. She was blonde, but the similarities ended there.

"Penny, Sheldon tells me you work at a Cheesecake Factory?" Emile asked politely. Penny almost dropped her food in shock, but smiled.

"Yeah, that's what I do."

"…Did you meet Leonard there?"

Leonard dropped a piece of beef back into its carton. Penny glanced at Leonard before responding.

"No, I met him when I moved in next door," Penny responded.

Emile raised an eyebrow. "Ah."

Penny returned to her rice, unsure of what to make of Emile.

"…Where are Koothrapali and Wolowitz?" Sheldon suddenly asked, as if some synapse in his brain had broken. "Weren't they supposed to be coming at seven? It is now seven-twenty-three."

Leonard looked around nervously. "I… um… I rescinded the invitation?"

Penny blinked before sighing. "Thank GOD."

"Wait, wait, who are -?" Emile began to ask.

"Raj is a nice guy, a very nice guy," Penny admitted. "But you do NOT want to meet Wolowitz."

Emile bit her lip. "Wait, what?"

"Why did you rescind the invitation?" Sheldon asked Leonard.

"Because… well, I didn't want to overwhelm Emile as soon as she got here!" Leonard replied.

"So having our two best friends over would be overwhelming for someone with an intellect like hers?"

"Wolowitz is a pervert."

"A big pervert," Penny emphasized.

Emile ate some more noodles, staring straight ahead.

"That's no reason to rescind an invitation to both of them. Just rescind the one for Wolowitz. And you're blowing things out of proportion anyway."

"No we aren't. Sheldon, she just got here!" Penny emphasized.

"She's a genius, I think she can handle herself, Penny."

"Sheldon, for God's sake, wouldn't it be better to just let a few days pass before she meets everyone?" Leonard inquired.

"I appreciate the level of concern you all have for me, but acting like I'm not here while you argue about your varying degrees of interest and the perversion of some of your colleagues is a bit belittling," Emile said in a loud voice.

The other three looked at her. Emile got up and retreated into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

Penny put a hand on her chin. "Hmm. Well, isn't that interesting."

"She's going to kill me by the end of this week," Leonard said. "That's not interesting, that's disastrous."

"No, not that," Penny murmured. "It's just that… she's acting way differently than earlier today."

"She is?" Leonard said.

"Yeah, of course. She was so startled by seeing Leonard that she lost all sense of civility. Coupled with the jet lag, it turned her into a bit of a bitch," Sheldon agreed.

Penny gaped at him. "You knew that the entire time?"

"She's not particularly hard to read," Sheldon said before poking at another piece of orange chicken.

Leonard's turn to gape at Sheldon. "So that whole thing where she was insulting me in the airport –"

"Her body's way of dealing with shock. She does it all the time. She did it the first time she met you, remember? She pushed you down a hill and laughed when you sprained your ankle."

Penny looked back at the bathroom. The toilet had just flushed. "I guess Emile has gotten used to seeing Leonard."

"Yes, that's why she's ignoring him as best she can," Sheldon replied.

Leonard picked at some rice. "How is it that you can know all this about Emile but can't be bothered to deal with the personality quirks of others?"

"Emile talks too much," Sheldon answered. "Far, far too much."

Penny giggled. "Too much information?"

Leonard shifted in his seat. "So she told you everything?"

"Unfortunately."

"Then _why did you think it was okay to have her stay here for two weeks?!"_

"Because I obviously missed some sociological convention that would necessitate her staying somewhere else."  
Emile emerged from the bathroom, wringing her hands. The conversation immediately ceased.

At least, until Penny spoke.

"So, what are you going to be doing while you're down here?" Penny asked.

Emile smiled weakly. "I'm going to be working in the CalTech biology lab a lot. I have to keep my samples and evidence cared for. Other than that… I really don't know."

Penny smirked. "So you'll be working in the same building as Sheldon and Leonard."

Leonard glared at Sheldon. "Did _you_ invite her there?"

"No, Dr. Gablehauser did," Sheldon responded in an undertone to match Leonard's. "You're extremely neurotic, you know."  
"_I'm_ extremely neurotic."

"I just said that."

-o-

Emile washed off some of the plates everyone had used to eat, feeling obligated to do so. No one back home did it, so it was usually her job to clear the table.

Today she was joined by Leonard.

Emile let the faucet water run over a plate, taking remnants of food with it. She tried to avoid looking at him, but her will wasn't that strong. Leonard was drying plates, so they had to interact on some level.

"Here," Emile said, handing over a plate.

"Thanks," Leonard responded, still sour.

There was a protracted silence.

"…I'm sorry," Emile finally said. "Sorry about treating you like crap."

Leonard looked up in shock. "Are you apologizing?"

"Yes," Emile answered quickly. "I was a bit… well, Sheldon didn't tell me you were going to be here."

Leonard grumbled. "He tends to forget things like that."

"I was in shock, and I reacted badly," Emile continued unabated. "When I'm surprised, I kind of…"

"I know. You did the same thing when you pushed me down a hill. And then when you tried to poison me."

Emile bit her lip. "That was… that was really bad." She sighed, scraping some leftover rice down the sink. "I wish I could do that whole day over."

"Too late now." Leonard shrugged. "Besides, it probably worked out for the better."

"Yeah. We'd've broken up eventually."

"What makes you say that?"

"We're diametrically opposed. You're semi-normal and kind-hearted. I'm a raving lunatic with no filtering system and no particular interest in anyone but myself."

"You have such a high opinion of yourself."

"Sheldon told me that."

Leonard rolled his eyes. Yet another thing to ask him about.

Emile handed Leonard another plate. "But after these two weeks, we probably won't see each other again."

Leonard frowned. "You sound depressed."

"I'm not," Emile admitted, "not at all. I'd be perfectly okay with never speaking to you again, in fact. But… I've wanted to apologize for that day we broke up for a while. I had no reason to be so… homicidal."

Leonard was stunned speechless.

"I know you'll never forgive me. And I'm okay with that. I just wanted to apologize," Emile finished, washing off the last plate.

Leonard went back to drying the plate in his hand. Penny was right. Emile had changed from raving maniac to Sheldon-level jerk to repentant woman.

Leonard wondered if she had schizophrenia.

A/N: Once again, into the mind of the twisted sociopath that is Emile Portmanteau. I like this chapter because it plants the seeds for Emile's main personality trait, namely her explosive and sudden mood swings. Should be entertaining, no?

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Big Bang Theory. Emile is my own OC, however.


	5. The Engineering Postulate

The Engineering Postulate

_**The Engineering Postulate**_

"It's a good thing I asked for directions, otherwise I'd be completely lost."

Emile was completely lost in CalTech. It didn't take very long to get lost, either. Sheldon wasn't going to be of much help – he'd darted off as soon as he'd arrived. Things were still awkward between her and Leonard, so she didn't ask him for directions. Now she was completely and utterly lost. People in suits mingled with people in jeans, professors walked briskly to classes, and the doors weren't labeled correctly.

Emile looked down at her layered clothing. How out of place could she get?

She sighed as she passed a door. She backtracked. "Biology Lab". Emile nearly jumped for joy as she pushed the door open to find –

- The engineering department. A few heads turned to her before returning to their work. But one guy kept looking at her.

Emile felt her breath catch in her throat. Good-looking guy at ten o' clock. She looked around as quickly as she could, to avoid eye contact. "Where's the Biology lab?"

"The door marked 'Public Relations' on the next floor up," the guy responded. Emile noticed his brown hair before nodding quickly.

"Thank you," she said in a breathy voice before hightailing it out of the room. Door closed behind her, Emile turned a bright red color.

She was really bad with good-looking guys. The only reason she'd managed to stay with Leonard was because she didn't find him good-looking at all, harsh as that sounded. Emile swallowed and walked up to the next floor, trying to put the occurrence out of her mind.

-o-

"I think they got a new intern."

The cafeteria was nearly empty, with only Leslie Winkle holding court in a table across the room, reading The Fountainhead with a look of disdain. Howard and Sheldon ignored her, as they were apt to do.

Sheldon looked at Howard in disbelief. "We don't have the budget for a new intern."

"Well, they got someone who doesn't know that the plaques outside of the doors are wrong," Howard offered. "And she was blonde. Hence, an intern."

"Or Emile," Sheldon responded, taking a sip of water.

"Emile?"

"New biologist," Sheldon explained. "Temporary, anyway. She's giving a report soon."

"Ah." Howard nodded. "…Is she a bit of a spaz?"

"Very much so," Sheldon replied.

"Well, that explains a lot."

"It would." Sheldon watched Leonard sit down at the table next to them, looking bothered.

"What problem are you having now?" Sheldon asked rather condescendingly.

"Your cousin is the weirdest person –"

"We know that," Sheldon interrupted. "Why does it bother you?"

"Because she's almost schizophrenic. First she's angry, then she's demure, then she's apologetic – what the hell is wrong with her?!" Leonard asked desperately.

"…Maybe she hasn't been laid in a while," Howard offered.

"Shut up," Leonard responded.

"Hey, it could –"

"It's more likely the influence of my aunt," Sheldon said. "She had frequent mood swings, and my cousin had to change her attitude quickly in order to stay out of trouble."

"That's great to know, Sheldon," Leonard said. "Why don't you tell me these things until after they're useful?"

"I wasn't aware they were useful, actually."

Raj soon joined the other three men at the table in the cafeteria, balancing a cup of instant ramen on a tray.

"When are we going to meet your cousin, anyway?" Howard asked.

Leonard shifted awkwardly in his seat. "After she's more settled. She's still in this… she's jet-lagged and crazy."

"Might be a bad time, then," Raj agreed.

"Makes sense," Howard added.

"Maybe she'll get more used to being here if she spends some time with Penny," Raj offered, eating some ramen. "I mean, they're both girls, right?"

"She acts like Sheldon would if he was pre-menstruating," Leonard explained. "Penny and her… that could be bad."

"Are you implying that I menstruate?" Sheldon asked, affronted.

Leonard sighed loudly. "I am not. It was an analogy."

"A very faulty one."

"So she's arrogant to a fault?" Howard asked.

"Is that an analogy, too?" Sheldon asked.

"No, that's the truth," Leonard answered. "And sometimes she's arrogant. But like I said, her moods change at the drop of a hat."

"Maybe it's jet-lag," Raj said.

"God I hope so," Leonard muttered.

-o-

Emile was fumbling with Sheldon's spare keys as Penny walked up the stairwell. Penny bit her lip when she saw Sheldon's cousin. Leonard had told her everything Emile had said, and the only thing Penny had been able to come up with was confusion. Emile was an interesting character. Good or bad, she couldn't quite figure.

"Do you need help?" Penny asked.

Emile turned around and smiled weakly. "Not really. I'm just… eh, I don't know if I want to go in."  
Penny blinked. "Why?"

"…Leonard."

Penny folded her hands together. "You want to hang out with me for a little bit?"

"…If you'll have me," Emile said with a grin.

Penny nodded, and let Emile into her apartment, resplendent with poppy colors and bright storage boxes. Emile stared out the window, at the baby blue sky, and smiled.

"You have quite the view," she noted.

Penny closed the door behind her. "Thanks. Do you want something to drink?"

"No thanks," Emile replied, sitting down in a barstool in the kitchenette. "I get drunk quickly…"

"…No problem." Penny shrugged, testing out a new spritzer at the bar. She mixed a few things together almost apathetically, to the amazement of Emile.

"Are you a bartender?" Emile asked in awe.

"Yeah, actually," Penny responded.

Emile sank back into the couch, eyeing Penny's pink concoction jealously. "Maybe I should have one of those."

Penny laughed. "Knew you would want one." She grabbed the liquor again and made a second pink drink. The white foam on top looked particularly delicious. Emile, as soon as she received the drink, took a big gulp of it.

"This is delicious," Emile raved.

"Thanks."

Emile's eyes glazed over a bit, and she took another deep draught of the pink concoction.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm terrified of Leonard."

Penny blinked. She got drunk almost as quickly as Raj. Maybe it was a nerd thing – intolerance to alcohol. After all, Sheldon got drunk fairly fast, too.

"Why would you be scared of him?"

Emile put the drink down. "Well, things just feel awkward. Awkwardness scares me."

Penny narrowed her eyes as she sat down on the couch next to Emile. "Awkwardness… scares you?"

"I have this thing," Emile admitted. "I have a problem being honest with people. And since I was completely honest with Leonard… I'm afraid he's going to judge me, so everything is awkward, and awkwardness scares me."

Penny blinked, downing at least a third of her fluffy drink. She would need to make more spritzer before this was over. "You are definitely related to Sheldon."  
"He's the cause of my neurosis," Emile muttered. "Whenever I told him anything, he'd twist it into something else completely. I just lied to get him to stop being such a pain in the ass."

Penny drank more of the pink concoction. "Did it help?"

"Are you kidding?" Emile took a sip of the drink. "It made him even more insufferable. But at that point the damage was done." Emile sighed, wringing her hands together. "I'm just worried Leonard will think I'm a nut."  
Penny felt a twinge somewhere in her stomach. "…You want him back?"

Emile stared at Penny, horrorstruck. "God no! Never! Leonard did… he did something terrible. I wouldn't take him back if he was the last man on earth."

Penny felt a chill rattle up her spine. It was best not to ask, but she was so curious she just…

"What did he do?" Penny inquired quickly.

Emile sighed. "You really want to know?"

"He didn't try to kill you, did he?"

Emile smiled, snorted, and laughed, a light trill. It didn't sound anything like her speaking voice. Penny had to wonder about how that could be.

But then again, Emile was totally sloshed. Anything was possible.

"…No, he didn't," Emile murmured. "But… if I tell you… that'd be telling you the truth… and you'll probably hate me. You're his girlfriend, after all."  
Penny, blank-faced, put a hand on Emile's shoulder. She twinged a little, looking at the pretty blonde.

"I'm a girl. You're a girl. I won't judge you," Penny murmured reassuringly. "…Something tells me you need a friend."

Emile shrugged slightly. "A friend, that would be nice. Well, see, Leonard got me pregnant."

The silence came crashing down on them like a heavy weight. Penny put her hand down. The girl was only twenty-four or so. How could this -?

"And… well, something happened with the baby, and Leonard thought I'd made the whole thing up and broke up with me," Emile continued. Penny had to breathe a sigh of relief after that one. Emile smirked at the noise. "Honesty strikes again."

Penny realized that being friends with Emile was going to take some serious getting used to. She was just as screwed up as Sheldon, albeit for different, more human reasons. Penny put her hand back on Emile's shoulder.

"We were young," Emile mused. "Young, nerdy, and stupid. It doesn't get much worse than that."

Penny had to laugh at that. "Well, your other relationships have gone better, right?"

Emile turned bright red. "Um… I've only had two boyfriends since then. One of them cheated on me –"

"Ouch."

"– With another man –"

"Oh God."

"- and the second got himself blown up."

Penny arched an eyebrow. "Blown up?"

"He was a chemist. Great guy. But he blew up. And that was that." Emile looked into the dregs of her drink, drinking some more of the pink drink. "Dating and me just doesn't work."  
"Maybe you'll find someone out here," Penny offered. For whatever reason, she immediately thought of Raj. Such an insecure girl with a guy who could barely speak to women could work. Especially since they had exactly the same tolerance for alcohol – which is, to say, none. Every day would be a party.

But, much to Penny's surprise, Emile responded, "I did… I did meet someone."

Penny nearly fell off the couch. "You've been here barely a day!"

"I got lost at CalTech, and there was this guy in an engineering room who helped me find the biology lab."

"How cute! What's his name?"

"Um…"

Emile fidgeted a bit. Penny sighed.

"You don't know, do you?"

"Not a clue."

"What does he look like?"  
"Well, he has brown hair…"

Another pause.

"So you basically know nothing about this guy."

"Well, he looked Jewish. If that helps. He was good-looking."  
Penny stared at the ceiling. "…Well, I'd help, but without a name..."

Penny's eyes suddenly widened. Emile stared at her, confused. Penny grinned at her, clapping lightly.

"What?" Emile asked.

"Write him a note!"

Emile's jaw dropped.

"This is not third grade," she pointed out. "I'll just find him later this week and tell him–"

"Tell him what? 'Hi, I'm Emile. You don't know me, but I think you're hot. Go out with me?'" Penny scoffed. "As if! Notes are so cute, anyways!"

Emile bit her lip. "…I'm not so sure about this…"  
"I'll help you!" Penny cried out, going to get stationery from a cabinet. "This is gonna be great!"

Emile stood up and followed her. "…How can you be so sure?"

Penny smirked. "…I'll go refill your drink."

A/N: Ever notice how fast everyone on Big Bang Theory gets drunk? I mean, it takes Raj a sip, and Sheldon… well… we all know what happened there. Either way, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Big Bang Theory.


	6. The Paper Trail Hypothesis

The Paper Trail Hypothesis

_**The Paper Trail Hypothesis**_

Meanwhile, over at Sheldon and Leonard's, the four usual suspects were watching television and eating Chinese take-out, amongst other things.

"There is _nothing good_ in this suitcase," Howard muttered as he went through Emile's things.

"What are you doing?!" Leonard cried. Emile would kill him if she found out someone had gone through her luggage.

"Trying to find something interesting," Howard admitted. "Are you sure this is a girl's suitcase?"

Sheldon and Raj were playing 3-D chess, ignoring Howard and Leonard completely. Raj moved his knight up one board, something that displeased Sheldon greatly.

"Not in a good position," Sheldon muttered.

"I'm going to annihilate you," Raj grinned.

Penny opened the door of the apartment in a tipsy fashion. "Hey, Leonard, do you know what room of the -?" She immediately stopped talking as soon as she saw Howard rooting through Emile's suitcase. "What the hell are you doing?"

Howard dropped a sock. "Ah… nothing?"

Penny walked out the door and across the hall, to her own apartment. Emile was sitting on the couch, waiting for her. As Penny closed the door, Emile asked, "Is it safe?"

"No," Penny said in a whisper. "Not at all."

-o-

Emile was so jittery she could barely stand upright. Part of it was the fact that she had a raging hangover, but there were other things to worry about at the moment. She'd done her hair into one ponytail, as opposed to her usual two, and was wearing less layers than usual. She knew she was in CalTech _way_ too early to be seen by anyone – four in the morning? Only Sheldon got here that early, hence why _she_ was here that early – but there was always that vague possibility…

Emile looked straight at the plaque by the door. "Biology Lab." With a cautionary breath, she opened the door.

The engineering lab was completely empty. Emile recalled where he'd been sitting – near the middle, with a sander and an acetylene torch to his right…

Emile saw the torch immediately. Now there was the question of where to put the note trembling in her hand. Emile glanced at it. The lavender stationery that looked cute yesterday looked ominous today. Emile rid all negative thoughts from her head and quickly scanned for a place to put the note, a place where only the brunette would see.

A small basket full of papers and other assorted messages hung on the backside of the desk. Emile smiled. There were lots of papers in there already. Emile grabbed an envelope from a nearby box of them, stuck the note inside of it, and dropped it in the basket.

Emile took a few seconds to calm herself before darting out of the room.

-o-

"Yeah, sure."

Raj crossed his arms, in a complete state of disbelief. Howard rolled his eyes, returning to his salad. Once again, the cafeteria was completely deserted, save for Raj, Howard, and Leslie Winkle, once again reading in a corner. Still The Fountainhead. She was now visibly laughing at the contents.

"I'm serious, Raj. Want me to show you the note?" Howard asked. There was a definite edge in his voice. He retrieved the little purple piece of paper from his pants pocket, holding it before Raj's face.

Raj stared at it incredulously. "Can I read it?"

"That's why I brought it out."

Raj took it out of Howard's hand and began to read it, scanning it. He kept glancing over at Howard, who was very proud of himself.

"Is this a prank?" Raj questioned. Howard's grin disappeared as fast as a rabbit in a snake-hole.

"I doubt it."

Raj frowned, folding the note back up. "Nice paper, though."

"You read it. What do you think I should do?" Howard asked with a smile.

"Ignore it isn't an option for you," Raj muttered under his breath.

"Hey. How often does this happen?" Howard pointed out. "You act like women fall out of trees."

"I get wasted enough to have women," Raj responded awkwardly. Leslie looked up from her book.

"You get wasted, Koothrapali?" Leslie asked from across the room. Raj bit his tongue and sat silently.

"…Don't we all?" Howard answered for him.

"I suppose," she answered, returning to her book. "Carry on with your conversation. If I was you, Wolowitz, I'd write a note back, just to make sure she isn't some heartless bitch playing a joke on you."

Howard raised an eyebrow. Hearing advice from Leslie Winkle wasn't something that happened to him often. Or to anyone often. Leslie was pretty cold.

Raj seemed to have the same thought, and said nothing.

"…Thank you," Howard petered out.

Leslie wasn't listening any more, returning to her book.

Raj leaned in towards Howard's ear. "Maybe you should follow her advice…"

Before Raj had finished speaking, Howard had a pen and paper out, preparing to scribble out anything that came to his mind.

-o-

Emile ran into Penny's apartment screaming for joy. Penny, shocked, dropped a shot glass on the ground, where it shattered. Emile screamed again, this time in shock.

"Stop screaming!" Penny demanded, ducking under her bar to wipe up the mess. Emile immediately stopped making any noise, standing awkwardly in Penny's living room, clutching a piece of lined paper. Penny poked her head over the bar, looking at the paper.

"What's that?" she asked.

Emile beamed. "It worked. What you said. That letter we wrote? After lunch, I found a response at my workstation in the biology lab."

Penny smiled widely and almost screamed, but caught herself. She quickly mopped up the rest of the mess and ran over to Emile.

"No way!" Penny cried, taking the letter and looking it over. Her grin grew wider and wider – until she read the signature.

"…Howard," Penny murmured.

"Kind of a blah name," Emile agreed. Penny bit her lip and walked across the hallway to Leonard's apartment, banging on the door. Sheldon opened it, thoroughly annoyed.

"What _is it, _woman?" Sheldon asked.

"How many Howards work at CalTech?" Penny inquired angrily.

Sheldon thought for a second. "Well, there are 4 in the engineering department, another 2 in biology, 5 scattered about the physics depart –"

Satisfied, Penny shut the door on him and wandered back across the apartment. Emile was making odd squeaking noises.

"Wha – huh – um?"

"Everything's fine," Penny nodded. "Just making sure of… something."  
"What?"

Penny put her hand on Emile's shoulder. "So… he wants to do something tomorrow night?"

"Penny, do you know this guy?" Emile asked.

"I hope not," Penny nodded. "I honestly hope you have a different Howard."

"…Will I know?"

"Oh yes."

Emile nodded. "I can take care of myself." She looked at the note. "I want to tell Sheldon."

"He won't care at all, just so you know," Penny said.

"I'm his cousin. I know that," Emile replied before skipping across the hall.

-o-

"A date?" Sheldon questioned. "Why do you people even care?"

Emile frowned, eye twitching. Leonard, from his perch on the couch, was a little more interested.

"Good for you, Emile," he said. Emile looked at him in shock. Leonard shrugged: "Penny told me you were feeling a bit awkward around me. So I thought acting a little friendlier towards you might help."

"Penny would know," Sheldon scoffed. "After all, you've basically been living in her filthy apartment."

"It's not filthy," Emile and Leonard countered in unison. Sheldon rolled his eyes and continued to type up something on his laptop.

Leonard patted the space of couch next to him, inviting Emile to sit down. She did, feeling a little nervous about it. As soon as she sat down, Leonard nodded.

"So, how'd you meet him?" Leonard asked.

"I kind of wandered into the wrong room the other day and he told me where to go. I thought he was kind of good-looking, so I… well, Penny told me to write him a note."

"How very childish of you," Sheldon interjected.

"Sheldon, shut up," Leonard begged. Emile gaped at Sheldon before Leonard poked her. She jumped a bit. "You were saying?"

"Oh. Well, I wrote him a note, and after I came back from lunch there was a note back asking me to dinner tomorrow night," Emile shrugged.

Sheldon scoffed. "Focusing on your presentation seems like a more viable discourse at this point in time." He picked up his laptop and left the room, visibly irritated. Leonard sighed.

"Don't mind him."

"I don't. I'm used to his prissiness."

Leonard paused. "Prissiness. That's a good word for it."

"I thought of it, of course it is."

Leonard glared at Emile. She laughed. "I was just kidding. Well, yeah, he asked me if I wanted to do dinner down at the Chinese place not far from here. The one we got take-out from last night."  
"So it's casual," Leonard nodded before growing quiet. "Emile, I'd like to apologize."

"You didn't do anything."

"For what I did when we broke up."

Emile turned white. "…What?"

"We were both so scared, remember?" Leonard recalled. "We weren't ready for… well, neither of us were very mature. It was my fault as much as yours."

Emile folded her hands in her lap, a tear forming in her eyelashes. "…Leonard, you're a good guy. You deserve Penny as much as she deserves you."

Leonard turned red and began stuttering. Emile giggled.

"Does this mean… we're actually on good terms?" Emile questioned.

Leonard thought for a second. "…I think it does."

"Huh. Maybe we should see if Hell's frozen over."

"Quick, look for flying pigs."

A/N: In case it wasn't obvious, I'm pretty abysmal at writing for Leslie Winkle. I'm trying, but I haven't gotten much better. So I apologize for that.

A/N 2: So the new season opener destroyed my Penny/Leonard continuity. I can't go back and change it now, so I apologize for the weird alternate-continuity presented here. Just imagine Penny and Leonard aren't cruising for disaster in the current show while reading this.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own BBT. Emile is my own OC (if that wasn't painfully obvious), and this story idea would never be made into an episode, so it really doesn't matter.


	7. The Chopsticks Paradox

The Chopsticks Paradox

_**The Chopsticks Paradox**_

"I'm going to have you looking absolutely gorgeous," Penny promised. "You are going to floor this Howard guy."

Emile, looking at the various hair-styling tools Penny had scattered about the coffee table in front of her television, whimpered. "Those look painful."  
"They would to you. You wear your hair in pigtails every day. That's not how you're wearing your hair tonight."

"What are THOSE?"  
"Your contacts. I found them in your baggage last night while you were asleep."

"That's slightly creepy."  
"Believe it or not, I'm not the only person who's gone through your luggage."

Penny forced Emile to sit down in one of her barstools. As Emile sat, Penny yanked out her twin ponytails with a smile and handed her a magazine of hairstyles.

"How do you want your hair?"

Emile looked at the pictures, increasingly horrified. "These cuts are – are - !"

Penny flipped to a few pages later. Emile sighed in relief. "Those are better."

"Uh-huh. But actually, your hair would look good down."

Emile paused. "Can I borrow some of your clothes, Penny?"

Penny smirked. "I wouldn't have let you out in your own."

-o-

"I need help."

"Admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving it."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Raj, but I need a different kind of help."

Sheldon, Leonard, and Raj looked up from their intense Halo game in interest. Howard was standing in their doorway, looking pale and otherwise frightened.

"Why, what's going on?" Leonard asked.

"I'm going on a date tonight," Howard responded.

"Oh." Leonard returned to the screen before doing a double-take. "_WHAT?!"_

"Once again, thanks for the vote of confidence," Howard said.

"Who?!" Leonard half-screeched.

"A girl in the Biology lab –"

"Don't tell me it's Emile." Leonard paused the game and sank back into the couch, defeated. "Please don't say it's Emile."

"It's Emile."

"What's wrong with that?" Raj asked.

"I don't see any problem with you dating my cousin," Sheldon reassured Howard. Howard turned even whiter.

"Your cousin," Howard repeated. "The psychopathic insane one."

"That explains why Penny was asking about how many Howards worked at CalTech…" Sheldon muttered to himself. "And she is not nearly as insane as Leonard makes her out to be. She's no worse than me."

"That's not reassuring," Howard muttered to himself.

"So none of us can date your sister, but your cousin is totally up for grabs?" Leonard screeched at him. Sheldon glared at Leonard.

"Emile only has a limited amount of my genetics. She can bandy them around as she pleases," Sheldon responded. "Can we restart this game?"

"No we cannot!" Leonard cried. "Howard, why?!"

Howard looked from Sheldon to Leonard to Raj to Leonard again. "…Ah. She's your ex-girlfriend."

"That has nothing to do with it!" Leonard yelled.

Raj looked around nervously, pretending that his two best friends weren't having a heated, rather one-sided argument.

"…Oh, were you trying to win her back?" Howard asked, no hint of anger in his voice. "I can still call it off –"

"There's no way in HELL I'd want her back!" Leonard sighed. "…Please, PLEASE don't insult her."

"Why would I insult her?"

"I don't know, just try not to piss her off!"

Sheldon sighed. "Your tolerance for pain is ridiculously low." Leonard glared at him.

Howard blinked. "…What should I wear?"

Raj eyed Howard. "Where are you going?"

"The Chinese place."

"Casual?"

"You could just wear that," Sheldon pointed at what he had on, a red turtleneck with black jeans.

"Or something like it," Raj shrugged, "if that's covered in metal filings or what-not."  
"I'm going to go home," Howard said after a pause. And he left.

Raj glanced at Sheldon. "When were you going to tell us your cousin's name?"

"It didn't seem relevant at the time," Sheldon replied.

Raj started the game back up. "So should we have Penny play -?"

"_NO,_" Sheldon said forcefully.

-o-

Emile sat outside of the Szechuan Palace, arms crossed over the ridiculous attire Penny had shoved her into. Seriously – a purple tube top with a blue jacket? What the hell?! Emile seriously considered leaving at that moment. She glanced at her watch. Why did she come ten minutes early? This whole thing was crashing about her ears, crashing with no hope of returning to normalcy, she should just leave, but that would mean blowing Howard off, and that would be just as bad as being stuck in this awful tube top, God knew she didn't have any cleavage to show off anyway –

"Hello."

Emile screamed and jumped a few feet in the air. Breathing heavily, she turned around, putting a piece of hair behind her ear. She hated having her hair down. It was too much hassle. And now Howard was here. Great. This was going terribly already.

"…Howard?" Emile questioned.

"So you're Emile," Howard responded.

Emile nodded, turning pink. Howard was too cute. Most people wouldn't think so. But still. Tall and awkward and gangly was her type.

Howard looked her over. Emile flinched. Great. The outfit from Hell was going to kill it.

"…Not to sound rude…"

Shit.

"…but you're really hot."

Emile gaped at him. Howard's turn to flinch.

"Is this where you smack me and walk away?" Howard asked nervously.

"You _like_ this outfit?"

Howard glanced around awkwardly. "…Yes?"

"…My friend picked it out," Emile explained quickly. "I kind of… I don't know, thought it was kind of… slutty."

"I don't mind," Howard responded.

Emile frowned before laughing. She had every reason to hit him now, but for some reason, she found his perversion slightly charming. Emile resolved to get a CAT scan in the morning.

Howard blinked. "…What's so funny?"

"What you just said…" Emile admitted. "I've never met anyone so blunt. Or so blatantly perverted."

"…And you aren't mad?" Howard questioned, recalling that Leonard had called Emile psychotic on many occasions. Maybe he was seeing why.

"Do I look like it?"

Howard couldn't help but smile. "What are we doing out here? Come on, let's get something to eat."

"But it's so much fun out in the cold…"

"…You are definitely related to Sheldon."

As the two walked inside, Emile did a double-take. "You know Sheldon?"

"Unfortunately."

-o-

Emile had basically laughed herself sick at dinner. Howard was a pervert, that couldn't be ignored, but he was so brazen that Emile had to laugh at it. Needless to say, Howard was floored by Emile's sheer indifference to his various comments. There was definitely something in the air above them as they ate. It couldn't be called love, because that typically meant the two partners could accept each other, flaws and all. That wasn't happening with these two.

"You can't use chopsticks," Howard repeated.

"I'm from Texas. We don't use chopsticks in Texas, no matter what kind of cuisine you're eating," Emile protested.

"You're mashing up the food."

"I'm trying, but this is… God, I'm just trying to do this correctly."

"That's what she said."

Emile glared at him. For a second, Howard thought she was going to impale him with her chopsticks, but instead she just tried harder to use them. She managed to pick up some rice correctly, and was so shocked she promptly dropped the rice back onto the plate.

"…That was better," Howard offered.

Emile rolled her eyes and reached for her fork. "I'm sorry; I'm just not capable of using chopsticks, Howard."

"Let me get this straight. You can memorize hundreds of pages of DNA coding –"

"Not hundreds, I'm not crazy –"

" – yet you cannot learn how to use chopsticks?"

Emile frowned. "Fine." Emile picked up the chopsticks once more, struggling to figure out how they should work. Howard frowned as well, putting his hand on hers in an attempt to fix her grip.

"Not like that, like this…"

Emile turned bright red. Howard noticed and smirked awkwardly, going pink.

"What? No off-color comment?" Emile murmured.

"…There's really no need for one, is there?" Howard replied.

Emile turned crimson. She moved her fingers around on the chopsticks and, as Howard moved his hand, was able to get some rice on it. Smirking, she ate it.

Howard shrugged. "Not so hard, is it?"

"Not really."

There was definitely something. Neither of the hapless nerds could put their finger on it, but it was there.

-o-

Leonard banged on Penny's door. "Penny! Penny! PENN –"

She opened the door angrily. "Leonard, much as I like you, I have to let you know that screaming my name in the hallway and pounding on the door is really annoying."

"We have a problem," Leonard said, ignoring her angry tirade. "Emile went on a date tonight."

"I know, I helped her get ready for it," Penny said. "What's the big deal?"

"She's with Howard."

Penny gaped at Leonard. "No she isn't."

"Yes she is."

"Oh my God, I think I dressed her like a slut."

Leonard was shaking. "This is bad, very bad…"

"It's terrible," Penny agreed. "He'll do something to her, I know it…"

"Him? I'm more worried about what she'll do to him."

A pause. Penny looked behind her. Clothes were strewn everywhere, from her earlier endeavor to dress Emile appropriately. Penny wondered why she even bothered. Of all the Howards Sheldon rattled off earlier…

Sheldon.

"Sheldon will stop –" Penny began.

"That's the best part. He doesn't care," Leonard interrupted.

Penny gaped at him. "Sheldon doesn't care."

"Nope. He says that Emile only has a limited amount of his genetics, being his cousin, and refuses to get involved."

"Why does he do this?"

"Because he's a pain in the ass."

Penny and Leonard looked at each other, a bit frightened.

"I'm going to try and figure out what to do," Penny murmured.

"Me too."

The two returned to their respective apartments, musing.

A/N: Things have wiped me out as of late, and I haven't been writing as much. 'Things' actually refers to only two things: school and choir. I am so tired by the weekend that I just collapse into bed at night and wake up drained the next morning. Thankfully, there are many chapters I've already written for this story, so expect to see faithful updates until my brain explodes and there's nothing left of it.

Nice mental image.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own BBT. At all. Emile is my original OC, etc.


	8. The Neil Patrick Harris Polarization

The Neil Patrick Harris Polarization

_**The Neil Patrick Harris Polarization**_

Emile opened the door to Leonard and Sheldon's apartment later on in the evening. Raj, Sheldon, and Leonard were still playing Halo 3, jumping up and down and screaming at the screen and each other.

Emile couldn't wipe the smirk off of her face if she tried. Things had gone well. Though some of the things Howard did made her cringe – perverted comments, anyone? – he was well-meaning. Emile's grin grew wider as she walked into the apartment, sliding by the boys and the couch. She ducked into her suitcase, looking for something comfortable to fall asleep in and her contacts case. She hated her contacts. So itchy. She was only planning on wearing them to the presentation. Now there were only two extra sets, as opposed to three.

The girl sauntered into the bathroom and closed the door. A tiny click accompanied the movement.

Leonard paused the game. "Did you guys hear something?"

Sheldon narrowed his eyes. "…No."

Leonard unpaused the game. "Alright, bitches, it's on again!"

-o-

Emile emerged from the bathroom a half-hour later, hair tied into pigtails again and glasses back on. Leonard did a double-take as soon as he saw her.

"When did you get back?" he asked, doing his best to hide his anger.

Raj turned around and looked Emile over. He couldn't see what Howard saw in her. All he saw was a short girl with no fashion sense. Her pajamas were horribly assembled – gym shorts over pajama pants and a tank top that matched neither.

"…About a half-hour ago," Emile responded. "Funny thing, Sheldon – that guy I went with, Howard? He knows you."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Imagine that."

"Yeah, we know him too," Leonard added a bit forcefully. Raj looked away, unable to formulate a sentence. Emile glanced over the couch and noticed him.

"I'm sorry, I don't think we've met. Emile Portmanteau," Emile greeted, offering a hand. Raj looked up at her, frightened.

"He can't talk to girls," Sheldon explained. "He's Rajeesh Koothrapali."

Emile retracted her hand uneasily. "…Nice to meet you." She glanced at Leonard. "You know him too?"

"Yeah," Leonard responded. "I know him very well."

Raj whispered something into Leonard's ear. Leonard nodded, and Raj left rather hurriedly. Emile watched him go.

"Mr. Koothrapali is rather skittish," Emile noted.

"Howard Wolowitz," Leonard pressed. "You went on a date with Howard Wolowitz."

"…I don't understand," Emile admitted.

"Leonard is having some sort of conniption. You might want to leave," Sheldon said, moving away from the television and flipping his laptop open. Emile frowned at Leonard.

"If you're looking for verification, then yes, I went on a date with him," Emile said rather indifferently, placing a pillow on the leftmost cushion of the couch.

"Don't sleep with your head facing the door," Sheldon cautioned.

"I can't sleep any other way," Emile protested.

Sheldon's eye twitched, and he returned to typing. Leonard glared venomously at Emile.

"So much for being on good terms," Leonard said coldly. Emile whipped around.

"What did I do?" Emile asked.

"You're going to end up killing one of my best friends!"

Emile's lips twisted into an unflattering grimace, putting her hands on her hips. "What's that supposed to mean? I enjoyed my date, thank you very much, and I _will_ be seeing him again."

Sheldon stared straight into his computer screen. "That proves it. You need therapy."

"Yes, but what's going to happen when you get bored, Emile? What are you going to do then?" Leonard asked, glaring at her.

Emile's fist clenched. "I don't get _bored_, Leonard. And I bet he wouldn't mistake someone's pain for a lie. Howard isn't an insensitive ass like you."

"Just a perverted one," Sheldon interjected.

"I'll give you that," Emile agreed.

"Sheldon, shut up," Leonard spat. "What I'm trying to say is that I can't believe you'd actually involve one of my friends in your twisted little world."

Emile went to respond, but the words caught in her throat. She exhaled loudly before walking into the bathroom and slamming the door behind her.

Sheldon paused before turning to Leonard. "Something tells me I should go comfort her, but I don't know how."

Leonard glared at him. "What, so she can completely destroy Howard later on? Don't bother."

-o-

Howard began to walk up the stairs towards Leonard and Sheldon's apartment, smirking and humming to himself. Penny knew he'd be back. And boy was she pissed.

"HOWARD!" she screamed as soon as she saw him.

Howard jumped a few paces back. "What did I -?"

"You were with Emile!" Penny cried.

"…Yes I was," Howard said, grinning. "Yes I was."

Penny grabbed Howard by the edge of his sweater vest, seething. "If you touched her, I swear to GOD I will –"

"Relax, Penny, relax," Howard managed to spit out. "We didn't get far."

Penny narrowed her eyes. "Explain."

Howard tried to worm out of her grasp, but failed. "It was casual, we didn't do any – "

"Keep it that way," Penny threatened, letting him go and retreating into her apartment.

She flopped down onto her couch and fumed. Howard was lying. He had to be. He was going to destroy her – poor, insecure, slightly crazy, innocently sweet Emile Portmanteau was going to be completely destroyed. She wasn't a whore. She wasn't beautiful – not without help, anyway. She ran around singing random songs at the top of her lungs when drunk, for God's sake.

"_Listen close to everybody's heart… and hear that breaking sound…"_

Penny turned around. A red-eyed Emile walked into the living room, clutching beer bottle number one. Speak of the devil.

"…Emile, sweetie, how long have you been here?" Penny asked curiously.

"Since… I don't know. Leonard got mad at me and I came over here sometime after." Emile sat down on the couch next to Penny, taking a deep swig of beer and coughing it back up.

"Dear God, Emile, what's wrong with you?" Penny cried, yanking the bottle out of her hands.

Emile flexed her hand unconsciously for a few seconds before sighing. "Leonard's mad about… he's mad at me."

Penny frowned. "I wonder why."

Emile gaped at her. "Oh, not you too, not you too! Please, don't say you –"

Penny smacked Emile. "Emile, get _a hold_ on yourself!"

Emile blinked, inhaled slowly, and settled herself, still humming to herself. _"I cannot believe my eyes… how the world's filled with filth and lies…_"

"Look, we're just… concerned," Penny settled on. Honestly, she was completely pissed, but Penny was a good liar. "None of us are great with words."

"Sheldon would've been easier to talk to," Emile said.

Penny blinked. "…That bad?"

"You can't imagine," Emile murmured. She bit her lip. "And to think… I was having a really good day."

-o-

Emile wandered into work the next day confused and barely there. Sheldon watched her walk a few paces in front of him and Leonard, arms crossed.

"I'm glad she's not talking to us anymore," Sheldon muttered to Leonard. "Now we have no idea what she's doing or where she's going. My aunt will kill me."

"She's twenty-four, not four!" Leonard protested.

"You fail to see my point," Sheldon said. "Every time you get close to her, you push her away, ergo you are going to ruin my relationship with my aunt, who only finds me marginally insane."

Leonard glared at him. "She's crazy. She's worse than you. I don't want to deal with her."

"Fair enough."

Emile ignored both of them completely, stepping onto an elevator. Noticing that Leonard wanted to take the same elevator, she quickly pressed the door-close button. The elevator shut right in front of Leonard, Emile's cold face glaring at him from the other side.

Leslie Winkle was also standing in the elevator.

"Got a problem with Leonard?" she asked.

"You don't want to go there," Emile muttered.

"Fair enough."

A/N: Sorry this took so long to put up. Unfortunately, my other multi-chaptered story needed a ton of work, so I was focusing on it ("Griffin's Eleven") a lot. I totally forgot to update my BBT fic! Oops…

DISCLAIMER: I don't own BBT. Yeah, duh.


	9. The Miscarriage Scattering

_**The Miscarriage Scattering**_

Leonard and Emile were stuck in the apartment together a few days after their big argument. For the most part, they'd managed to avoid talking to each other the entire week, but today was Chinese take-out night. Things were going to be nice and sufficiently awkward, Emile reasoned. But she wasn't going to talk. She had nothing to apologize for.

Leonard, on the other hand, was beginning to think that maybe it wasn't Emile going with Howard that pissed him off. Maybe it was the fact that Emile was his ex-girlfriend, someone that only he, in his group of friends, could talk about with a degree of truth. But now the biggest pervert he'd ever known – great friend, but there wasn't much beating around the bush with the other personality trait – was going to know all about those stupid things Emile did, and he'd find them charming, like Leonard used to once upon a time. And then when the pair of them broke up, Howard would know the true meaning of pain.

But what if they didn't break up? What if Leonard had to show up to their wedding? And why was he thinking this far into the future? Howard would figure out some way to offend Emile by the end of the night, and the whole stupid thing would be over –

"You look constipated," Emile told Leonard, voice cold.

Leonard glared at her, saying nothing as he turned back towards his laptop. Emile heaved a sigh and returned to the television, turning the volume up a bit to try and drown out the silence.

"There's no need to turn the volume up," Leonard informed her.

"There is, actually. A good one. It's to end the awkwardness."

Leonard fumed for a few seconds before turning on her, jumping out of his office chair. "End the awkwardness? Are you kidding me?!"

"No. If you aren't going to talk, I'll let Dr. Who talk a bit louder. Or Tila Tequila. Whichever you prefer to listen to –"

"For God's sake, Emile! If you have something to say to me, say it!"

Emile muted the television. "I have _nothing_ to say to you. _You're _the one who, evidently, has a problem with me."

"Wow, did you figure that out all by yourself?!" Leonard stood next to her, seething. "Every time you do something good, something nice, you go and do something completely – something just – just –"

Emile glared at him. "Spit it out, Leonard."

"Everything you touch gets destroyed. Me, Sheldon, your mother, your ex-fiancé –"

"What about Penny? What about Howard?"

"Something'll happen to them soon, I'm sure, because you're nothing but – you're –"

"You haven't changed at all, Leonard, not one –!"

"You're a demon!"

Emile choked on her words, blinking in shock. "That's uncalled for."

"It is not! You lied about being pregnant!"

Emile bit her tongue and recoiled, shaking all over. "How many times did I have to tell you?! I'd _NEVER _lie about something like that!"

"But you did, you crazy bitch-"

Emile chucked the phone at Leonard, who caught it. He waited for something else to fly in his direction, but nothing did.

"Call Sheldon," Emile dared. "Call him and see what he has to say about it."

Leonard raised an eyebrow, but did as told, because Emile seemed to be inching towards the lamp. He dialed Sheldon's cell phone number, and waited maybe four seconds before he picked up.

"There's a line, Leonard. Wolowitz and I are stuck in line," Sheldon groused.

Howard's voice, from the background: "This is really ruining my chances with Emile tonight –"

"I don't care," Sheldon spat at him.

"Sheldon, that's not why I called. Raj isn't even here yet," Leonard admitted. "But Emile told me to call you about her so-called miscarriage."

"So-called? Why do you say that?" Sheldon wondered. Leonard got a sinking feeling in his stomach, but continued anyway.

"Because she lied about being pregnant."

"Leonard, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I delivered the dead baby. It existed," Sheldon said quickly. He then began to yell at Howard again – "I do NOT want their inferior tangerine chicken!"

"It's for Emile and Raj, you nutcase!" Howard yelled back.

Leonard hung up the phone as Sheldon began to argue with Howard. Emile stared at Leonard, face deliberately blank.

"So?"

Leonard stared, wide-eyed, at Emile. No wonder she'd been so mad. Everything made sense now – the anger, the fear, the drastic action.

"Why didn't Sheldon tell me he -?!"

"You know him. He thought we broke up because of stress," Emile said angrily. She wiped a tear out of her eyes.

Leonard looked at the ground. "I think… I think I need to be killed."

Emile sighed before smiling, a tear catching in her eyelashes. "But where would that put Penny?"

Emile hugged Leonard awkwardly as Penny opened the apartment door. She flung it open and gasped. Emile pulled away quickly, eyes wide with fear. Leonard choked on his spit.

Penny's eyes darted between the two of them. She smirked, hands on her hips. "So, finally decided to listen to her?"

Leonard narrowed his eyes quizzically. "…Yes?"

"Cool. What are we gonna watch?" Penny asked, flopping down on the couch.

"Sheldon's going to flip out if you sit there," Emile cautioned.

Penny laughed, rifling through stacks of DVDs. "He's not here now."

Leonard sank down next to her, smirking. "We managed to burn some stuff onto DVD a few days ago."

"Like what?" Emile sat down on the other side of Penny, looking eagerly over her shoulder. She gasped almost immediately. "No way! _Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog_?!"

"Why'd you burn _Casablanca_? You can get it at the video store," Penny wondered.

"Oh my GOD _An American Tail!_" Emile was in heaven.

"We were converting old VHS tapes to DVD with Raj's computer, and we basically copied everything. Regardless of what it was. And then we copied things from our computers…"

"The _xxxHolic_ movie? Which one of you watches Gothic-style anime?"

"…Me."

"I would've never guessed that."

-o-

Howard and Sheldon wandered up the stairs towards the apartment, holding cartons of Chinese food in take-out bags. Sheldon had to ask.

"Would you mind it terribly if I asked you not to try and get Emile to sleep with you?"

Howard blinked. "What, ever?"

"No, just in my apartment."

"That can be arranged," Howard said with a smirk. Sheldon recoiled.

"I don't understand how you could be attracted to Emile anyway, what with her operating under the delusion that physics is an inferior study to rooting around in the dirt looking for germs," Sheldon said disdainfully.

"I'm an engineer, not a physicist. I don't really care."

"Her mood swings?"

"Hey, could be fun."

"Yes, it'll be fun to see her throw telephones and universal remotes at you sometime down the road."

"I won't do anything that would offend her that much."  
Sheldon pursed his lips. "…I'm assuming you didn't say anything normal around her."

"I was just me."  
Sheldon nearly fell down the stairs. "Hold onto Emile, Howard."

They opened the door to the apartment to find Penny, Leonard, Emile, and Raj sitting around, going through various DVDs. Raj looked frightened, but comfortable. Howard sat down next to him, which was also, conveniently, next to Emile. He was already smiling. Raj whispered something into Howard's ear. Howard shook his head, still smiling.

Penny was watching him out of the corner of her eye, grip tightening on the jewel case in her hand. Leonard's shoulders dropped. Great.

"Penny, you seem to like that one," Leonard said.

Sheldon looked at the DVD in her hand as he put the take out on the table. "_There Will Be Blood_? Just so you know, there is really no blood until the very end of the film. It's a largely unsatisfying treatise on greed with homoerotic overtones that probably made a large number of teenage girls squeal."

"You make it sound like a superhero movie," Emile frowned. "And it is not unsatisfying. It's one of the most brilliant movies ever made. The deep-seated hatred Plainview holds in him is never fully explained, thus forcing the audience to choose between two rather unsavory sides of humanity and pick their own heroes and villains."

"I don't want to watch it," Penny admitted awkwardly, putting it down on the table. Emile was holding onto a few DVDs, flipping through them with a smile. Howard leaned over, brushing against her shoulder.

"What do we have here?" he wondered. She turned a delicate shade of pink.

"_Perfect Blue_," Emile murmured. "I haven't seen this movie in years. It's terrifying, as I recall."

Raj nodded, eavesdropping. Emile smiled gently at him.

"Might be a good one to watch," Emile shrugged. Howard smirked. Penny gave him a withering glare. She was going to have to stay on high alert with him tonight. She wasn't going to let Emile be… she wasn't going to let Emile get hurt.

Howard looked over just as Penny gave him the death glare. He shrank back, away from Emile's shoulder. She blinked and looked at Howard. He smirked. As soon as Emile turned away, Howard turned back to Penny. She pretended not to notice him.

"Are we ever going to eat?" Sheldon asked in an annoyed tone.

-o-

Everyone was splayed around the couch, eating and watching the amazing cinematic achievement that was _2001: A Space Odyssey_. Everyone, that is, except Penny. The ever-vigilant Penny, making sure Howard didn't defile Emile.

Penny couldn't believe Leonard was indifferent about it now. He was so mad earlier! She knew that Emile must've finally been able to convince Leonard that the baby existed… and, much as it thrilled her to have them back on good terms, there was still the matter of Emile and Howard. That had to be fixed.

"_Also sprach Zarathustra_," Leonard murmured at the screen, squeezing Penny's hand surreptitiously. Penny felt a flood of warmth overcome her. The music was swelling – Penny had heard this song before. She was shocked. She'd heard this song a thousand times before.

Emile smirked at the screen. "The song reminds me of the book."

"Book?" Penny asked.

"_Thus Spoke Zarathustra,_" Sheldon answered, "by Frederick Nietzsche. A philosophical text that challenged long-standing Judeo-Christian conventions in Germany to great acclaim across the globe – at least, until the Nazi party used his messages of self-promotion and pride as slogans, tainting Nietzsche's name almost irreparably for over thirty years."

"What does that have to do with space?" Penny wondered.

A silence fell over the group.

"…Not exactly sure," Emile admitted. "Maybe it has something to do with a set of scenes where Zarathustra emerges from his cave into the world, to preach his message, mirroring the new frontier of space."

Penny didn't understand a word Sheldon or Emile said, but nodded politely anyways. The movie was boring her out of her skull.

Howard noticed Leonard holding Penny's hand and eyed Emile's curiously. As he moved his hand over hers, Penny turned towards him and gave him another venomous glare. Howard retracted his hand quickly.

Penny smirked. If she just kept Howard away from Emile, he'd eventually give up on her, and the potential relationship from Hell would be eliminated before anything bad could happen.

Penny squeezed Leonard's hand back. She was going to drive Howard crazy. Revenge for all those pick-up lines and Facebook lies. How sweet.

-o-

Howard frowned as the movie ended. What was Penny's problem? He wanted to hold his girlfriend's hand. Why did she care what he did? For that matter, wasn't she holding Leonard's hand? Hypocrite.

Penny excused herself to go to the bathroom, and Emile retreated into Sheldon's bedroom to try and put the DVDs away, leaving the four men in the living room/kitchenette. Leonard was throwing away dishes, making an irritated noise.

"What happened this time?" Sheldon asked, unplugging the Blu-Ray player in order to plug in the Xbox 360.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Howard asked Leonard, wearing the same expression.

Leonard blinked and nodded. "Yeah, I didn't quite understand what had her so upset. What has her. I don't know."

"Your grammar has been suffering as of late," Sheldon noted, "and if you're talking about Penny glaring at Howard all evening –"

"Am I the only one who didn't notice this?" Raj wondered aloud. He sat on the couch, unraveling wires for the Xbox.

"You and Emile," Leonard murmured. "Coincidentally, how the hell do you know so much about Frederick Nietzsche?"

"Because I'm a genius," Sheldon responded. "Maybe Penny's jealous of Emile."

"Doubt it," Howard muttered. "She was glaring at _me_, not her."

"…Maybe Penny's jealous of Howard," Raj offered.

Leonard glared at Raj. "That can't be it."

"It'd suck for you if it was true," Howard smirked. Leonard, in turn, glared at him.

"That's not it," Leonard pressed as Penny exited the bathroom. Raj turned and waved to her. She waved back.

Penny turned to Leonard and smiled. "Okay, I have work tomorrow, so I'm going to go home."

"I fail to see how going across the hallway could be considered 'going home' –" Sheldon muttered before Leonard started talking over him.

"Well, we're going to play Halo 3 once Raj gets it set up –"

Raj rolled his eyes. Why was it always _him_ setting up the video games whenever Penny showed up?

Penny looked at her watch. "It's eleven at night. I don't want to be a zombie at work."

Emile walked out of Sheldon's room in time to see Penny leave, waving goodbye. Emile waved at her before turning to Leonard. "What the HELL was Penny doing during the movie?!"

Sheldon shrugged and went to help Raj with the Xbox. "I will never understand that girl. Ever."

A/N: So this was the chapter I was afraid to write. I knew it would be difficult to find a reason for Leonard to still hate Emile after all these years, and I'm still a bit wary that her situation is a bit extreme. I do stand behind Sheldon's decision not to say anything about it, because I think he'd fail to see the miscarriage's significance.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own BBT. Sorry…?


	10. The Protection Platitudes

_**The Protection Platitudes**_

"It's three o'clock in the morning," Emile frowned. "Don't either of you have work tomorrow?"

"It's Saturday," Leonard replied.

"Science doesn't wait for the weekend."

"For you, maybe," Sheldon retorted. "I'm perfectly all right if I don't show up, because I have no dirt samples or bacteria cultures or what-have-you to check up on. I am a physicist, not a microbiologist. You signed up for the extra work load when you got that PhD hanging up in your office."

Emile rolled her eyes, throwing a frag grenade at Sheldon's character.

"You blew me up!" Sheldon cried.

"You deserved it."

Emile, Leonard, and Sheldon were the only ones left in the apartment, still playing Halo 3. Leonard paused the game briefly.

"When you were walking Howard to his car, you were gone for a half-hour," Leonard said.

"…And?" Emile said. "Come on, I'm this close to shanking Sheldon."  
"Thanks for giving away your position," Sheldon said in an aside.

"What were you doing?" Leonard wondered.

"I'd rather not answer that," Emile responded.

_"What do you mean, the car won't start?!" Emile yelled at Howard._

_"The key's jammed."_

_Raj looked like he was about to strangle Howard. _

_"Oh for God's sake, you have a MASTERS in Engineering! Can't you fix it?!" Emile cried._

_"…I have a masters in ENGINEERING, not MECHANICS!" _

_"I can get Sheldon –"_

_"Oh God don't do that!"_

_"Then what do you want me to -?"_

_"This is our first argument."_

_"…It is, isn't it?"_

_Howard and Emile smiled broadly. _

_"Pretty good one, too," Howard admitted._

_Raj nodded, also smiling, wishing he could say something to that effect._

_"Of all the things to have our first argument over…" Emile sighed._

_Howard turned the key again. The car started. Emile gaped at it._

_"You just…"_

_Howard stared at the key, flummoxed. "I have NO IDEA how I did that."_

Leonard opened his mouth to respond, but an idea dawned on him. "Oh my God."

"Yes, I know, I should be taken out back and shot," Emile said in a disinterested tone. "Blah blah blah, insert comment to the effect of 'he's a pervert', blah blah blah, Sheldon says something arrogant –"

"I just figured it out."  
Sheldon shook his head. "I'm not following you. That's saying something."

"Why didn't we think of it earlier?" Leonard wondered.

"If we knew what it was, maybe we'd agree," Sheldon said.

"Penny! Her whole trying to kill Howard thing – I just figured it out!" Leonard threw his head back in amazement. "My God it's so simple!"

"Once you're done celebrating, if you wouldn't mind telling us what it is," Emile said coldly.

Leonard frowned. "Don't have to be so harsh."  
"Pot and kettle," Emile retorted.

Leonard rolled his eyes, muttering under his breath, "I forgot you're related to the happy psychopath…" He raised his voice. "We can all agree that Howard's a pervert, right?"

"…Yeah," Emile finally answered.

"I suppose," Sheldon agreed.

"How many times did he try to make a move on you, Emile?"

Emile turned bright red. "Ah – I have – I have no idea, I wasn't…"

"Okay, how many times did he actually do something?"

"…He didn't… do any… Can we talk about something else?" Emile begged, now a deep shade of crimson.

"Sheldon, were you -?"

"I have no idea where you're going with this, and frankly, at this point I really don't care."

Leonard sighed. "Don't you see? Penny doesn't want Howard touching you."

Sheldon narrowed his eyes. "Define you."  
"Emile, you nutcase," Leonard said angrily.

Emile bit her tongue before the light bulb went off in her head. "Oh… _oh! _And since Howard is… rather upfront –"

"That's one way to put it," Sheldon murmured.

"– Penny is afraid I'm going to get used," Emile finished. "So the glaring thing –"

"– was her way of keeping Howard from getting near you," Leonard finished. "…Rather ingenious plan."

Sheldon unpaused the game. "Yeah, it's brilliant, can we finish this game?"

-o-

Emile checked the temperature of the culture oven, fearing the worst. She was sure that the thing was leaking heat, seeing as the plant next to it was withering. Emile hoped it could be easily fixed… if it couldn't be fixed, she'd need to buy a new one, and she really didn't have the money for that.

Why'd this have to happen six days before the presentation?!

Emile turned the culture oven around, looking for the – there it was. A crack in the casing, and a rip in the thermal coils. Emile had no idea how to fix that – she was hoping the casing was just ripped, so she could weld it shut.

There was a knock on the door of the lab. Emile looked around. The only other person present was Leslie Winkle, who was watering some of the plants for an experiment regarding genetic offspring. Emile opened the door and gasped.

"Dr. Gablehauser!" she said quickly. Great. The day was going splendidly. All she needed now was for it to rain. Or for Leslie Winkle to make something explode.

"Hello, Dr. Portmanteau," he said with a smile. "I trust everything is going splendidly?"

"Everything's just fine here," Emile answered, putting on her best fake smile. It was the smile she used when introducing people to Sheldon. It worked. She knew it. "The samples are in stasis and the equipment is excellent. Much better than what I'm used to."

"This presentation is going to be a huge boon to the scientific community," Dr. Gablehauser said. "Especially to your field. Microbiology is already rapidly expanding, but a finding like this will really tear the field open."  
Emile smiled, guts churning inside. Great.

"Ms. Winkle, what are you doing here?" Dr. Gablehauser wondered. Leslie looked up from her watering.

"A few of the female geneticists wanted a neutral third party to water their pea plants," Leslie explained.

"Ah. Well, carry on." Dr. Gablehauser left. Emile kept her fake-smile plastered on her face until she turned to face Leslie.

"Do you know how to fix a culture oven?!" Emile hissed. Leslie went back to watering the plants.

"I'm a physicist," Leslie answered.

"Just like everyone else," Emile muttered. "Great. I can't fix this myself. I'm not an engineer. I can't fix this stupid thing, and the whole enterprise is going to blow up in my face, and I can't deal with this –"

Leslie sighed, putting the watering can down and glaring at Emile. "Calm down, pixie girl. Think. Logical solution?"

Emile thought for a few seconds before her eyes widened. "Get an engineer. Right."

Leslie walked out of the lab. "Emile, you're an interesting person."

Emile waited to make sure Leslie was really gone – Emile wasn't quite sure if she could trust her or not – before taking out her beat-up cell phone. It was old, it was crappy, and Emile hated it, but her contract wasn't up for another two months. She quickly thumbed through her contact list, found the right number, and dialed it.

"Helloo?"

"Howard, it's Emile," Emile said, wishing the butterflies in her stomach would go away. It was just a phone call.

"Hello then. What's up?"

"Can you fix a culture oven?" Emile crossed the fingers on her available hand.

"Of course. Why?"

"I was just curious about – _My culture oven has a torn thermal coil,_" Emile pressed. "And I have no idea how to fix it."

"…Where are you?"

"The biology lab."

"I'll be right down."

"All right." Emile smirked. "You're the best."

"You don't mean that."  
"Yes I do!"

"Just checking."

Emile sighed. "Okay, bye."

"Bye."

Emile hung up the phone and stuck it in her pocket, inspecting the rest of the culture oven. If there was something else wrong, she should have Howard fix it. God, he was a great guy. Completely oblivious about personal space, admittedly, but it was things like this that made Emile…

…well, Emile really liked him.

Leslie Winkle reentered with two other girls, explaining to them what she'd done on their lab. Emile grimaced. This was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Leslie turned to Emile. "You don't mind if we…?"

"Not at all," Emile said with a twitching smile. "I got someone to fix the culture oven."

"Oh thank God," one of the girls, a redhead with her hair done into twin buns, said in relief. "I was worried about that thing yesterday. I thought it might be broken."  
"The thermal coil's ripped," Emile explained.

The second girl, with short black hair, sighed. "Crap. Might take a while to fix…"

"We'll just stay out of your way," the redhead said. The group of three walked across the lab, far from Emile's earshot. The girl with the black bob looked over each plant, measuring them, as Leslie began to walk out. When she left, the redhead turned to her partner.

"Wonder which engineer's coming?" she mused.

The girl with the black hair smirked. "Isn't someone in engineering dating someone in our department?"

"That's what I heard. …Maybe it's Emile."

"Doubt it."

Emile frowned. "Kristin, once again, I can hear every word you're saying."

Kristin, the one with the bob, gulped. The redhead laughed lightly at her before turning back to Emile.

"You've got good hearing, don't you?"

"If you say so, Fiona," Emile frowned, inspecting the undercarriage of the culture oven.

Fiona and Kristin stared at Emile for a few seconds before closing their notebooks. "Well, we'll let you and your boyfriend have some alone time."  
Emile dropped the culture oven. Scooping it up quickly, she said, "What makes you think I'm going out with a –"

"You get lost on your way to the bathroom. You must've called someone; otherwise, you'd've never gotten someone to agree to fix the oven that quickly," Kristin reasoned. "And why would you have any guy's number in your cell phone?"

"Any guy from around here, she means," Fiona added.

"I have Sheldon's number," Emile protested, noticing the crack in the oven was wider.

"You're his cousin," Fiona sighed. "You know what, we're just gonna go anyway."

Kristin and Fiona picked up their things and left, smirking and giggling. Emile rolled her eyes. She hated those two. They were the company gossip girls, all right. They wanted to know everything about everyone, and that included visiting scientists and dignitaries.

The door creaked open. Emile sighed.

"Kristin, I swear to God, if you try to –"

"Wrong," Howard responded, closing the laboratory door. Emile turned around and sighed again, this time in relief. She went to hug him before realizing she had a broken oven in her arms.

Howard looked at it, taking it out of Emile's arms and putting it on a nearby table, near Kristin and Fiona's plants. Emile grabbed Howard's arm.

"Don't work on it there," Emile said. "I don't need those wilting."

Howard raised an eyebrow but moved it to the next table, where nothing sat. He turned to face Emile.

"You look flustered," he noticed. Howard sat on the edge of the table, crossing his arms.

"I just really need this thing fixed," Emile admitted. "Kind of not what I need right now… a broken culture oven…"

Howard smirked as he looked over the oven. "Well, it doesn't look too bad. Just a rip in the thermal coil. I'll just patch it up and bring it back down." He turned to look at Emile. "About Penny…"

"I think she's just trying to protect me," Emile said, "in her own way… it's annoying as hell, but…"

Howard grinned. "So you don't agree with her reasoning."

Emile narrowed her eyes. "Normally, no. In a lab filled with bacteria and agar plates, yes."

Howard laughed. "What do you think, I'd proposition you right here?"

Emile paused. "…Yes?"

"I'm not that predictable."

"Hate to break it to you, Howard, but… you are."

Emile felt an actual smile creeping up on her. The day was still going horribly – Dr. Gablehauser, the two most annoying female geneticists ever, thinking about Penny, the oven – but at least she had Howard.

"…Okay, maybe I am. But I'm going to go fix this thing and come back. And maybe convince you to fix me."

Emile went to throw the withered plant at Howard. "You perv!" But she was laughing the entire time.

A/N: I'm sorry it took so long to update. I had huge computer problems, and things are just now getting back to normal. This chapter was a nice bit of fluff and exposition, and wasn't particularly stressful to write. Plus it introduces two of my dumbest characters ever, Fiona O'Malley and Kristin Morgenstern. Originally, the two were a lot like Alan and Charlie from "Two and a Half Men" (not to mention that they were named Oran and Pecha), but that didn't serve the story very well. Maybe Oran and Pecha will get their own story someday. I doubt it.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Big Bang Theory. Sadly.


	11. The Name of the Game

_**The Name of the Game**_

"Penny, can I borrow your blue sweater?"

Penny looked up. Emile was poking her head through the doorway. Her hair was nicely done; Penny had taught her how to straighten it on Wednesday, and this was the first time Emile had done it on her own. Penny had the sinking feeling she knew what she wanted her sweater for.

"Why? What's up?" Penny asked innocently.

"…I'm going on a date," Emile said awkwardly. "And I thought I'd wear… you know, something nice. I mean, Howard sees me every day in my normal clothes..."

"Maybe you should wear your normal clothes on this date, too," Penny scoffed.

Emile walked into Penny's apartment, wearing a loose white tank top and a pleated orange skirt with some black tights. Penny sighed.

"Okay, my blue sweater isn't going to match that," Penny sighed. "Emile, we went over this. Color coordination."

"Then… what should I wear?"

"I'd go with a different skirt," Penny smirked. "Of course, if it was me, I wouldn't even be going with Howard…"  
"Well, obviously. You hate him," Emile shrugged.

Penny blinked. "…Not hate."

"For God's sake, Penny, you've said nothing but crap about him since I got here."

Penny frowned as she yanked off Emile's skirt. Emile covered up her underwear angrily.

"You could've warned me about that," Emile said.

"About what?" Penny smirked mischievously, holding the orange skirt. "This thing is such an atrocious color."

"I'm standing in my skivvies here," Emile reminded her. "And Penny, can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Penny replied, going into her bedroom with the orange skirt.

Emile walked around the couch. That way, if someone walked in, her underwear– green boy shorts– would be blocked by the couch. She paused, wondering if she really wanted to ask… yeah, she did.

"Who says I don't want to screw Howard?"

Something crashed. Penny's head whipped around the corner, face frightened.

"Where did _that_ come from?!" Penny asked.

"I just figured, since you were trying so hard to keep him away from me…"

Penny's eyes narrowed. "Leonard told you."  
"I noticed it myself. Like I said."

"…Like you said?" Penny thought about that for a few seconds. Her jaw dropped shortly thereafter. "You can't be serious."

"I'm serious."

Penny walked out of her bedroom, holding a few hangers with random clothes on them, acting vaguely like a zombie.

Emile rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Penny, don't tell me you don't want the same with Leonard."

"I don't understand."

"Your stance, expression, and tone of voice suggested as much," Emile said before realizing this sounded remarkably like something Sheldon would say. If Sheldon understood human interaction at all. Penny noticed this too, and her frown grew more pronounced.

"Howard's nothing more than a creep," Penny said, holding a jean mini-skirt up to Emile's legs. "Too big."

"Yeah, I'm too short for it, too." Emile smiled wistfully. "Penny… it's kind of ironic. We're in the same situation."

"Same situation?" Penny questioned as she held another jean skirt, this one of normal length, up to Emile. "This skirt looks better. Slits are a bit high."

"I like the slits, actually," Emile admitted. "And yes. If you were the one asking me about Leonard, I'd call him an insensitive jerk. So neither of us likes the other's boyfriend. Much as I'd love to patch things up permanently with Leonard, I know he'll do something else to make me mad… because he's Leonard."

Penny blinked as she held a pink nylon skirt up to Emile.

"That's almost as bad as my skirt," Emile admitted.

Penny sighed. "It isn't the same at all, Emile. You're Leonard's ex. You did like each other at one point. I never liked Howard."

Emile gave Penny a weak smile. This was going to be a lot harder than she anticipated. "…You're right. But you aren't going to prevent me from seeing him… are you?"

The words were tinged with fear. Penny picked up on it quickly. Penny gave her a reassuring smile.

"Sweetie, I wouldn't do that," Penny mentioned. Under her breath, she muttered, "unless he did something to you."

"Define something," Emile requested.

"Slept with you against your will, pushed you farther than you wanted to go, that kind of thing."

Penny seemed to be missing the big point.

"But you would be okay if I initiated the sex?"

Penny gagged. Emile crossed her arms.

"You're acting really immature right now," Emile said.

"Emile!" Penny whined before throwing her hands up in the air. "You know what, fine. I'll just let you get hurt. Is that what you want?"

"In your head, does sex equate to getting hurt?"

"No, sex with Howard equals getting hurt."

Emile shrugged. "…Well, I'll try to hold off. But the last time I held off, something really bad happened."

"What was that?"

"My fiancé blew up. Kind of ruined our plans."

Penny gulped before frowning. "So waiting equals freak fatal accident?"

"No, it means live the day," Emile shrugged, looking at a skirt Penny had abandoned. A black flowing skirt. Emile picked it up and held it to her body. "Hey Penny. What do you think of this?"

Penny looked at it, agitated. It looked fantastic. "That's a good one. Now what are you going to wear over that top, Candy Slice?"

"I don't know what you're referring to there, but maybe some sort of… actually I have no idea."  
Penny crossed her arms. "Do you want to get any tonight?"

"You were just saying –"

"I know. Notice the twitching frown?"

"…Answer's yes, by the way."

"Okay. Let's find you something to layer over that."

-o-

Emile was laughing again, floored by Howard's bawdiness. It went without saying that the two of them had a little too much to drink at the Italian restaurant. They weren't so drunk that they were slurring their speech or puking, but drunk enough to get a bit louder and freer with words than normal.

"I'm not kidding," Howard continued as they walked through one of the parks nearby. Many of the calmer couples were staring, livid, at Howard and Emile– they were disturbing the tranquility of nature! How dare they?

Howard and Emile weren't in a state to care.

"I know you aren't. That's the sad thing," Emile said.

"How is that sad? You're hot. Nothing sad about it."

"It's sad that you actually think that."

"Come on, Emile. Look at yourself."

"…Got a mirror?"

"Yeah, let me pull one out of my ass. No, I don't have a mirror."

Emile giggled again, noticing Howard's hand dangling next to his side. She slipped her own hand into it. He grinned at her. Everything seemed funny to the two of them now.

"Penny's not here to screw things up," Howard realized.

Emile nodded. A girl with a boyishly short haircut glared at her. Emile rolled her eyes.

"I think we're too loud," Emile murmured. "We're disturbing the normal people."  
Now the girl was definitely glaring at Emile.

Howard smirked. "We could always go somewhere else."

Emile looked at him and smirked back. "I'm listening."

"I don't know where, but we could find somewhere."

"As a lady, I have to smack you, but as Emile, I say I'm game."

"Fair enough."

Emile smacked Howard and pretended to be in a huff, walking a few paces ahead of Howard. Howard rubbed his cheek– did she have to hit so hard?– and ran to catch up to her.

"Why'd you hit me so -?"

"Weird girl was glaring at us," Emile interrupted. She sat down on a nearby bench, smirking. This black overshirt of Penny's was awesome: a plunging neckline, down to the waist, where a bow and ribbon tied off the shirt. Penny had almost refused to hand the shirt over, though. Seems Penny knew Emile better than she knew herself.

"Wanted her to move on?" Howard asked, sitting next to Emile, sidling closer to her. His leg brushed against hers. A chill ran up her spine.

"Didn't want her watching."

Howard moved his hand to touch Emile's knee.

"Why?"

Emile took Howard's face in her hand and pressed her lips against his. The kiss was soft at first, gentle. Then the alcohol kicked in, passion took over, and the kiss became forceful and fiery. Howard pulled away briefly, acting as if he wanted to say something, but Emile cut him off by planting another kiss on him. He wrapped an arm around her waist. She responded by running her fingers through his hair. Everything felt so right… Emile knew that she should be appalled by her own forwardness, but she wasn't. She really wasn't.

Maybe she was a pervert too.

Howard pulled away again and immediately started talking.

"Emile, we cannot have sex on this park bench," he noted.

"No we cannot," Emile agreed.

"…You actually want to -?"

"Sadly, we are more alike than our friends want to believe," Emile said with a smirk. "Speaking of them, I have no place to go back to."

Howard grimaced. "Yeah, same here, unless you want to deal with my mom…"

The two disentangled themselves from each other while trying to think of a solution.

"…Hotel?"

"Do you have money?"

"Some."

"Same here. Together –"

"We probably have enough."

And off they went.

Somewhere far away from the scene, Penny felt a shiver roll up her spine, and she felt like she was going to puke. She rolled over in bed and checked her clock. 11:57 pm. She bit her lip, frowned, and stared into space.

A/N: This is the only chapter where the title does not follow the BBT episode naming convention. Consequently, the chapter title is taken from the ABBA song of the same name.

A/N 2: And I'm actually alive. Shockingly. As some Writer's Anonymous posters know, I was undergoing a huge amount of stress, which at one point led to a brief hospital stay. Now that summer's here, I'm glad to say that I'm completely fine. And this story shall be completed!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Big Bang Theory.


End file.
